Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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