i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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