Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
only you would photoshop your dick
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
