he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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