My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Houston, we have a squirter
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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