i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
