If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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