Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.