Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
