You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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