i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
