I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
