her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is Oprah even human
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
