my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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