I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
