My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
