i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
