So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
