This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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