We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
