okay pat passed out under dana's car
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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