Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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