I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
