I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
babies were throwing up all over the place
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
