Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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