this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
