why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
