I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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