They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
