I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
