the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
