You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Will exercising make me less horny?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
