I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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