someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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