so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
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He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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