yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
