I can tuck mytits in my pants
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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