How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
