Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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