Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
