im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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