My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
