so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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