A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
