We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
