I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
