The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
