If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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