I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
