Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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