I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All the doctor said was why
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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