this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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