OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
