If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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