now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize