I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
