By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
