I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
