I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
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So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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