Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
