My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just googled if crying burns calories
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
